Day 9 - Poop Hats, 50,000 Silver Dollars, and an Ever Deepening Mystery.

Day 9
Bozeman, MT - Eugene, OR
Time in Transit - 14 hrs.
Miles Driven - 843
View From Hotel - Sadness and Desolation


Today, we woke up and headed off without our son.

It was GREAT!

No, I'm just kidding. We were all feeling a strange mix of sadness, excitement, and joy about and for Alex.

We were also feeling a vague, low-grade depression at being back in Towanda and heading west.

A quick text to Alex as we drove off:

"What time did Colton finally arrive?"

"Not yet."

The mystery deepened.

We pondered this deeply as we drove out of Bozeman and toward the west coast. This was Tori's part of the trip. For some incomprehensible reason, she has been obsessed with the California coast. She's never been there and we live an hour's drive away from a perfectly good coastline in New Hampshire, but no, she needed to see California.

Her argument when we were planning this trip was, "It's only 17 more hours. What difference could that possibly make?"

Sadly, she had a point.

I got in touch with my ninja-like agent, Abi, who lives in California and our great friends Heather & John, who also live in California and they were both kind enough to open their homes to us so we could spend a night or two NOT sleeping in skeevy hotels that we stagger in to in the middle of the night.

Our mood during the drive across Montana and away from Alex seemed to be reflected in the smoky landscape of western Montana. There were wildfires burning and for some time, the horizon was enshrouded completely in eerie, dismal looking smoke.

But then, through the smoke, shining like 50,000 silver dollars–we saw a sign:

50,000 Silver $.
Consider my curiosity piqued.

In fact, we didn't just see one sign. We saw sign after sign after sign, all commanding us not to miss 50,000 Silver $.

I may have squealed a bit.

Tori may have sobbed a bit. "Why do you do this to me?" she wailed.

But I couldn't really hear her over the screeching of the tires when finally, we arrived at 50,000 Silver $, an oasis of blissful completeness.

Please take a moment to be amazed by the wide array of services they offer at this one location.

"I may never leave here," I gasped, as I unfolded myself from the van and beheld the glittering spectacle that squatted before us.

I ran inside and was as amazed as I knew I would be.

The gift shop is larger than some European countries.

They sell a wide variety of goods necessary for any road-weary traveler.
They had, for example, a stunning battle-ax collection.

Knives? Yup.

More knives? Well, duh. Of course!

Well, I'll bet they don't have swor... oh. I see.  

Tucked away in the back of the building is the combination bar/casino, collection of 50,000 Silver Dollars.

There were actually a LOT of silver dollars there.

I wandered through the "casino" briefly, but I didn't want the smell of sadness and desperation to get into my clothes.

Meanwhile, back in the gift shop. If yo have a sword, you should really have an authentic replica gladiator helmet. Or at least a medieval knight helmet.

They also had a stunning display of fine art. I, for one, will suggest that they should add "Art Museum" to the list of attractions they offer.

Kerri, hand me my wallet.

Can yuo even believe that this wasn't mass produced? Look at the craftsmanship!

Here is the restaurant. It had the same sort of general aura of hopelessness as the casino. Only greasier.

Angels with fiber-optic, light up wings! Sadly, these may have been mass produced.

Also, a Jesus-based fiber-optic light up chachke. It's sacred AND it's tacky. 

This unicorn art was so special that it had to be wrapped up in plastic to protect us all from the Awesomeness Rays™ that were shooting out of it like a fiber optic Jesus.

Kerri would not let me buy this to send to Alex for his dorm room. Maybe Colton would like it.

If the battle axes didn't get you, the LED Precision Screwdriver will! It has up to 2 uses! You can fix toys. AND you can fix glasses!!!

An extendable fly swatter for flies in hard-to-reach locations.
I imagined this particular beauty being a LOT of fun in the van.

If you didn't want to actually kill the long-range flies, you could catch them in this expendable butterfly net!

And who do you know that DOESN'T want the newest, hottest doll: Trendy Amelia!

Amelia looks like she needs to sober up a bit.

It's the most Muricah thing ever.

I couldn't resist a trip to the Fun and Joke Center.

"Ha! Ha! Look at me, Mom! I'm getting lung cancer!"
"Oh, Billy, you little scamp. That's hilarious." 

Be noticed.
That's the caption.
Be noticed.

It looks like beer, but tastes like DISHWATER!
Hmmm. Must be Bud Light.

My Grammy went to Montana and all I got was this poop emoji hat.
Please reflect on the fact that this, quite literally makes you a shit-head.

How about a travel game for the car, Kerri?

No? How about this one, then?

This one? 

They have a wide selection of drinking games that pair nicely with the battle axes.
The blue sign there is to remind you why you are drinking so much.

The socks were one of the most puzzling items they sold. It was as if someone at the sock factory said, "Put random words on the socks. Kids will LOVE that!"

Twerk socks?

Couch? Really? Now you're just phoning it in sock-word guy.

I went back for another peek at the bar.

These two guys would look way better wearing some twerk socks.

If you do buy a knife, please consider a decorative bear holder so that everybody knows you have a knife and above average taste in home decor.

Not into bears? Okay. How about a wolf. It's almost as Muricah as the eagle shirt.

A deer then?

This guy was VERy serious about selecting just the right sword. He was at the counter for an alarmingly long time.

In the same aisle, directly opposite the sword, battle-axes, and knives, we find a staggering array of drug paraphernalia.

Brass* Knuckles. They're only 9.95!! Stock up!

* may not be actual brass.

These "knuckles" tell the person that you're beating that you are proud to be an American.
But they would already know that if you wore the eagle shirt while you beat them.
Maybe some sort of cross-marketing would be effective here.

And some more bongs, pipes, and stash boxes.

And finally, the gift for the person who has everything - a combination coffee mug/bong. 

When it became apparent that I would never actually leave of my own volition, Kerri and Tori staged an intervention and pulled me out of the building by force.

They could never have done that if I had been able to buy the sword I wanted or some USA knuckles.

We climbed back into Towanda and a text from Alex awaited us on my phone.

"Still no Colton."

We knew he was coming from Washington state, so naturally, I assumed that he had stopped at 50,000 Silver $ and never wanted to leave. I could completely identify.

We headed off westward, through the smoke, and into...

more smoke.

We passed through Idaho and made it to Washington where we stopped for Chinese food.

Whoops. That's not Chinese food.

THAT'S the Chinese food. 

We had been driving for a VERY long time at this point so we opted to get our food to go and eat standing up. Before we left, I needed to use the bathroom and saw this compelling door in the back room of the restaurant.

No minors and no outside food? What could be back there?
Please also note the impressive levels of filth on the doors.
The only way this could be more compelling is if there was a thin trail of blood leading to the doors.

It's the CASINO!!

5 video machines in a dank back room.
And me without any quarters.
Foiled again.

We got our food and ate at the van.

Tori looks like an ad for shampoo.

And Kerri looks like an ad for paper plates.

And my dinner looks like an ad for antacid tablets.

After we ate, we continued driving.
And driving.
And driving.

When we finally couldn't take it any more, we pulled into a Travel Lodge Hotel, which is a sentence I will never be saying again ever.

It was very late and I was very tired. The girl at the front desk asked if I was a commercial driver.

"No," I said.

"Oh, too bad," she said, "They get a great discount."

"Ahhh," I said, cleverly.

"How about triple A?" she asked. "If you have triple A, I can give you a discount. And I don't even need to see your card."

She didn't actually wink at me, but her words did.

"I do not have a card on me, but I would love that triple A discount," I said.

She kindly gave me the discount and the key to a room which reeked of mold, mildew, and general decay.

But at least the air conditioner was really, really loud.

As I wearily climbed into bed, I got one more text from Alex.

"Still no Colton."