Day 3 -SPAM and the Bloody Woodchipper. Almost.

Day 3
Onalaska, WI - Fargo, ND
Time in transit - 8 hours (thanks, traffic!)
Miles - 450
View from Hotel - Alien Burger

Here is a totally true fact about me that most people don't know and/or don't believe:

I have an insatiable, honest passion for tacky tourist traps. The smaller and cheesier, the better. I ADORE them.

In a world that is increasingly homogenous (we just drove over 8,000 miles across the entire country and we were very rarely very far from an Applebees or a McDonalds or a Days Inn or a... you get it. Every off ramp from the highway was nearly identical) these tiny little islands of tacky tastelessness are shining beacons of originality. They are oasises of uniqueness.

They are amazing.

World's Biggest Toenail Clipping and Gift Shop? Yes!
World's Largest Cheese Curd and House of Mystery? YES!
THE SPAM MUSEUM?!?! YES!!

And thus, at my insistence, we drove many miles out of our way to visit The SPAM Museum. Before we left, we probably had breakfast, but as it was evidently Cheez Whiz-free, I have no recollection of that.

Here is the scenic view from the hotel we stayed in last night.

Tori noticed that her outfit matched the hotel's carpet. This would become an alarming trend.

As we had been forced to drive quite a bit farther than planned the previous night, our drive to Austin, MN, home of The SPAM Museum, was relatively short.

We pulled into town and, I must say, it was a delightful town. Lots of open space and public parks. Lots of interesting businesses along the main street, too.

Quaint main street of Austin, MN.

Vaguely alarming business name.

This is right across the street from The SPAM Museum. I didn't check the menu, but I do wonder...

It's the picture of that guy–presumably George–that bothers me so much. He looks like he's being really sketchy with that pizza. And, is he wearing a mask?

But we weren't here to be captured, to eat BBQ SPAM or even to try George's Sketchy Pizza.

We were here for one thing, and one thing only.

THE SPAM MUSEUM!!!!

Not that it really matters, but I don't even like SPAM (sorry very nice people at the SPAM Museum). I like the idea of this museum which, if I am going to be totally honest, is a giant advertisement for SPAM.

I loved it.

SPAM has a bad rap. Possibly for a good reason. That is a matter of personal taste. What I loved about this pace was the fact that they totally embraced the campy wonder of SPAM and turned it up to 11.

The SPAM Museum is free and I'd say that if you are within 500 miles of it, it is totally worth the trip.

Upon entering, witness the SPAM rocket. For delivering high-velocity, sub-orbital meat-products, I assume.

A conveyor belt slowly moves an endless procession of SPAM around the museum. 

Some fun SPAM facts for you.

Tori, our local vegetarian, even geared up to join me in a fun-filled game of "You CAN make SPAM".

At this station, you are given the chance to experience the thrill of working on a high-speed production line, packing fake SPAM into cans and stacking them in trays. Tori and I worked as a team, but did not do well.
At all.

Alex and Tori with a giant, mutant can of SPAM in The Spam Shack, part of an exhibit that shows how SPAM is enjoyed around the world.

Korean Kimchi Fried Rice SPAM. No samples were available for tasting, thank goodness.

Possibly Japanese SPAM Spicy Stew. 

Tori is awe-struck by the seemingly endless ways to prepare SPAM.

Kerri and I took our turn with Mr. Mutant, too.

There are LOTS of vintage advertisements for SPAM. Many of them look more medical than culinary.

A display of real, working musical instruments created from SPAM-based materials.

A SPAM-elele?

A SPAM-jo?

The electric SPAM-tar?

And finally, the SPAM percussion section.

Just when we thought that there could be no more wonders to behold, we saw THE GIFT SHOP!

If you can put the word SPAM on it, they sell it.

It was like nothing else on this planet and was totally worth the price of the free admission.

Tori was slightly saddened by the pork-based SPAM mascot. 

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SPAM golf balls.

SPAM wine glass charms for those high class dinner parties you throw.

SPAM pencils. I still regret not buying about a million of these.

A SPAM selfie-stick.

A SP .AM fidget spinner for when you are tweaking out between servings of SPAM 

Collectible SPAM spoons for the spoon-collecting old lady in your life.

SPAM samples are handed out indiscriminately. The lady on the left looks skeptical. Yes. I tried one. Yes, I asked what wine would pair best with it. No, they didn't give me wine.

10 million varieties of SPAM. Tori is still not impressed.

Kerri has developed a new obsession with destroying US currency and turning it into clutter for our house.

SPAM money (not legal tender anywhere - even in the gift shop).

SPAM employee restocking the display.

SPAM fishing bobbers.

A SPAM something or other, shaped like a pig.

A SPAM bowling shirt!

Kerri explains to Tori that someday, she will inherit all the smashed pennies that Kerri is collecting. Tori is inconsolable for hours.

And finally, for the person in your life who has it all, the SPAM back scratcher. 

Yes, I bought a SPAM cap for myself and Kerri got a lovely SPAM shirt. (Pictures not yet available.)

And, reluctantly, we had to pull ourselves away from the gleaming wonderland of SPAM and get back on the road.

We stopped at a lovely local park and had a picnic before heading off to Fargo, ND.

No. We didn't have SPAM. We had leftover pizza. I had some classy box-wine to accompany mine. I still regret not buying the SPAM wine glass charm.

Pizza in the park.

The park had bathrooms with one of the poorest designs I've ever seen. Here is the clear view of the urinal, from 15 feet outside the bathroom. "Oh, hi, kids! I'll be done in a minute!" 

The park was also home to a real, live SPAM-themed paddleboat!

Sadly, it was not in operation today and all my attempts to hotwire it were fruitless.

Alex is ready to go to Fargo! 

When lunch was finished, we piled into the car and headed to Fargo, ND. We had traveled there the previous summer when Alex was looking at schools and we stayed at a great hotel with a small indoor waterpark. It seemed like it would be a fun stop on the way out.

Kerri made a reservation online and we were slightly shocked by the exorbitant price of the room (there had better be Cheez Whiz at breakfast!), but he booked it and drove on.

When we arrived at the hotel, we realized why it had been so expensive. We got the last room in the hotel and it was the biggest suite they had.

It was glorious!

Admittedly, not SPAM Museum glorious, but it was pretty sweet!

Very swank room with a working gas fireplace. We turned it on even though it was about 100 degrees outside. 

In-room swimming pool. Or bathtub.

Alex's album cover picture in front of the shower for some reason.

The reading nook.

Tori's dinner and my SPAM hat!! 

My dinner. Shut up.

We arrived late and missed our chance to see the woodchipper so spent a bunch of time at the pool before slipping between the lovely, clean sheets and dreaming SPAMMY dreams.

Tomorrow, the woodchipper for sure. You betcha.