Day 4 - The Wood Chipper, The Shootout, and the Everlasting Two Pound Sandwich

Fargo, ND - Miles City, MT
464 Miles
Time in Transit - Many, many hours.
View From Hotel Room - Golden Spur Casino


I woke early in the most expensive hotel room I have ever stayed in. "Get up!" I cried, "Get up! Do you know how much this room is costing me? Get up and start enjoying it, dammit! Get up!"

Naturally, my loving family responded well to this.

We made our way to the breakfast area and had a delicious breakfast.

Alex could, and possibly will, live on waffles.

Tori, once again, matches the carpet flawlessly.

We spent some more time relaxing and having fun in the pool. Alex was a bit disappointed to find that waffles are not available in the pool, but he carried on bravely.

Too soon, check-out time was upon us and we were forced back into Towanda and on to the road. Our first stop was a grueling 45 second drive from the hotel.

THE WOOD CHIPPER!

The Visitor Center in Fargo, ND is the proud home of not one, but two infamous, Hollywood wood chippers.

The first is a replica, placed outside on the lawn, with cheery signs welcoming everybody to pose in ghastly, bloody family fun.

Welcome to Fargo, home of the bloody Wood Chipper. I love this city. 

Please, put your children in the chipper and take photos!

Okay!

The second Wood Chipper is inside the building, cordoned off and out of reach of the grasping, grubby hands of people like me. It's the actual wood chipper used in the movie Fargo.

No autographs, please.

The Welcome Center features a breathtaking array of Wood Chipper-themed paraphernalia. I purchased a t-shirt to wear with my SPAM hat and a patch that I will soon attach to a new, non-SPAM hat.

After we had paid our respects to the chipper, we headed over to a local organic grocery store to stock up on non-waffle-based foodstuffs.

Alex was not happy.

He stubbed his toe in the store and Tori admonished him that organic food was fighting back.

Generally, I'm all in favor of stores like this, and food like this. In fact, I picked up some delicious saag paneer to eat for lunch. I couldn't quite get past the line of green utensils they offered, however.

Does anyone else see the slight design flaw of the serrated knife edge on the fork?
"Why does everything I eat with this taste like my own blood?"

After carefully avoiding the fork of doom, we piled into the van to head to Montana.

Drive on this road for 743 miles. Then turn right.

Kerri and I had a stop in mind along the way. I was SO excited.

"Oh boy, kids. Wait until you see where we're going to stop," I sang.
"It's not the world's biggest fiberglass cow or something, is it?" they whined.

Yes. Yes, it is.

But first, we were tantalized by the billboards advertising the "miracle white buffalo!"

"Who wants to go see a miracle white buffalo?" I yelped.
I'm certain that the silence was merely because they were too overwhelmed to answer.

I eagerly counted down the exits and we raced into Jamestown, North Dakota to see, not just the famed white buffalo, but also, The World's Biggest Concrete Buffalo!

Again, the children were speechless with joy.

We made our way toward the buffalo and I began to get an odd tingly sensation along my spine. My Tourist Trap Senses™ were tingling. A wide smiled spread across my face and Kerri, recognizing the signs, groaned.

"This is going to be excellent," I whispered.

And it was.

In addition to the White Buffalo, and, in my opinion, far outshining the lame-o miracle of nature, Jamestown is host to Frontier Village. One of the best, tackiest, most delightful tourist traps we saw on our entire trip.

Frontier Village is cleverly hidden away to avoid TOO many visitors and turning it into another Disney World.

Come on, kids! I've got my SPAM hat. Let's go to Frontier Village!

Alex and Tori resigned to their fate. 

Welcome to Frontier Village. Who wants a wacky photo? I DO!

Just in case you needed instructions to increase the hilarity...

Alex totally got into the role of "kid dragged here by his dad".

A real wild west town! With authentic wild west traffic cones!

I thought this lady was just dressed up for an outing to Frontier Village, but oh no. There were more magical surprises on the way!

The bustling village.

We walked along the main street until we found ourselves at the feet of the world's largest concrete buffalo.

That's a lot of buffalo.

Yessir. It's a big 'un. 

Buffalo selfie!

We admired the buffalo for exactly as long as it takes to admire the world's largest concrete buffalo and the we headed back through Frontier Village.

Something was afoot.

Was it the blacksmith's authentic wild west van? No.

Was it the authentic wild west biker with the Jesus vest? No.

Was it Gummy, the prospector, wandering aimlessly through the streets? YES!!

There were portable speakers being set up.

A sound man was sitting at a sound board.

There was going to be a SHOW!!

The kids both groaned and grabbed my arms. "Dad, we have to go. Alex has to go to college."
"College can wait!" I wailed. "There's going to be  SHOW! LOOK A PROSPECTOR!"

They tried, without success, to budge me, but I was not to be moved. I plunked myself down and prepared for some theater.

And, oh my goodness, did I get theater.

The entire show was performed by a troupe of eager, if slightly unrehearsed actors, who approached their parts with varying degrees of enthusiasm and attention to detail.

The wireless microphone system didn't work as well as it could have and the plot was a bit convoluted, but here's my synopsis of the show:

Gummy (remember him?) wanders into town and is accosted by the sheriff. The sheriff takes Gummy's sack and removes a skunk. Which he shoots. No, I am not making this up. 

The sheriff is also upset that Gummy has a rubber chicken in his bag. He orders that it be put in the town's soup. Really, I am not making this up.

Dancing girls (remember her from before? It's all coming together now!) come running into town and tell the sheriff that the bad guys have stolen their hair. I swear, I am not making this up. 

From this point, the play took on a Samuel Beckett Theater of the Absurd poignancy and I was truly moved.
By my family. They grabbed me and moved me down the street as the play ground on, spiraling ever deeper into the mysterious, impenetrable plot-lines of stolen hair and Gummy's mysterious sack of skunk.

The play continued as I was dragged away by my family who, as a whole, had had enough.

I trudged back to the van in a foul mood. I need closure. If any of you have visited Frontier Village and can tell me how the play ends, please contact me.

We passed the authentic wild west craft emporium on our way back to the van.

It appears that they only had one handmade item when they made the sign. Then they added the "s" when they got more stock. 

I was sure that there would be handmade skunk-skin hats available for me to put my wood chipper patch on, but Kerri refused to let me shop there for some reason.

I tried to listen to the rest of the play as we ate lunch at the van, but I could not make out the words. It was just a muffled jumble of noise, being whisked away on the wind. Which to be fair, is exactly what it was when we were closer, too.

I ate my cold saag paneer without mouth-mangling utensils.

We hopped back in the van and headed west.

There were some nice billboards.

I did feel like I was getting mixed messages, however.

We made our way along the flat landscape of North Dakota until we saw our next destination, looming on the horizon, many, many miles away.

SALEM SUE!!
The World's Biggest Holstein Cow!

Wait... is that...?

Could it be?

IT IS!!!

The World's Largest Holstein Cow for some reason.

Salem Sue Selfie.

Behold the majesty of her mighty teats.

What I enjoyed about Salem Sue was the low-key atmosphere surrounding her. There were no gift shops, rides, or snack bars. There were no shoot outs or even any penny smashing machines for Kerri.

Salem Sue simply is.

She exists on a spiritual plane for all to enjoy.
Or, more precisely, she exists on a spiritual hill for all to enjoy. I'm not certain, but I think she may be located on the highest point in North Dakota.

Flat.

Flat.

Flat.

Is that California out there?

We climbed up the small hill behind Sue for an even better view of the area.

Ancient, cryptic sone carvings pointed us in the right direction.
These are identical to carvings on the stone streets of Pompeii that would lead sailors to Houses of Joy.
Coincidence? I think not. Where would this carving lead us?

Oh. I see.

We said our good-byes to Sue and the weird dude who was flying a drone around her.

Good bye, Sue. Good bye weird drone guy with the truck full of surveillance equipment.

We stopped at the Salem Mall for gas and a bathroom break before heading back onto the road.

The Salem Mall.

The manliest bathroom wainscoting ever. And the most alarming bathroom sign ever.

There go my afternoon gas station bathroom plans.

We got back on the highway and were really, really on our way when we saw ANOTHER billboard!
This stop, even the kids couldn't resist.

Theodore Roosevelt National Park. The Badlands of North Dakota!

We learned about Burning Hills and Slumping.

It's really gorgeous.

Alex decided to abandon college and become a professional model.

Badlands Selfie!

A real, live wild buffalo!

A lovely example of slumping.

Tori and I went for a walk along a path and came across this footprint in the mud.

Alex has another career change and decides to become a photographer.

Say Cheese!

We spent a happy hour or so enjoying the Badlands, but the call of the road was strong and we were summoned back to Towanda to continue out trek.

There was a lovely sunset that I was able to stare into for some time as we drove west.

Someone had some rocks and some spare time.

In case you were wondering, it is a real place.

We drove and drove and drove and through a bit of bad timing, were not in any towns before dinner time. All the restaurants we tried to stop at were closed for the night so we stopped at a grocery store and got some food for dinner.

Since there were no waffles available, Alex got The World's Largest 2 Pound Boss Hogg-Style Sandwich.
You will be seeing more of this sandwich in coming days.
Much, much more.

As it happens, we didn't even need to make that grocery run. The hotel we stopped in had thoughtfully stocked our in-room fridge with somebody else's leftover bologna sandwich makings.

Ooooh! Thoughtful! Thanks, Best Western!

Although Alex was sad that we wouldn't let him add the hotel lunch meat to his sandwich, we ate our dinners in the hotel room and settled in for some sleep.

Tomorrow, we should be in Bozeman; Alex's new home.