Ocean City, Day 1: Horses; French Fries; and Popcorn

We, as a family, faced a large crisis recently.
April vacation was looming large in our immediate future and We wanted to do something fun for a few days. It had to be someplace we could drive and it had to be relatively inexpensive.
My many suggestions like: the grocery store, the path in the woods right near our house, and the couch, were dismissed out of hand by the powers that be.
Alex was not going to be joining us because he is on the volleyball team and had practice over vacation. That left the decision up to Tori and Kerri.
Tori wanted to go someplace warm, sandy, and beachy. She suggested Bora Bora and, by the way Kerri's eyes lit up, I knew that immediate action was required on my part.
I offered a compromise of placing a big tray of salt water next to the sandbox in our yard.
Neither Tori nor Kerri was impressed.
Kerri swooped into action and proposed Ocean City, Maryland.
I sputtered and wailed about the 8+ hour drive, but Kerri is a brilliant tactician. She sealed our fate by showing Tori pictures of a place called Assateague State Park where wild horses roam freely along the beach.

Here are things Tori loves:
1. The Beach
2. Horses

Here are things I cannot stand:
1. The Beach
2. Horses

So, naturally, we packed up and headed off to get sunburns while being stompled to death by roving gangs of rabid, wild beach ponies.

We left at 2:30 in the afternoon on Saturday and, after a drive that I would like to never think about again, we rolled into Ocean City–bleary-eyed, and butt-fatigued–at about 11:30 that night.

The lobby was tastefully decorated with buckets of long, disgusting old man toenails.

They also featured what appeared to be a Muppet stuck in a large, white vase.

Kerri and Tori enjoyed the Dr. Evil chairs in the lobby.

And Tori was very excited that SHE would be able to push the buttons in the elevator and she would not have to share that thrill with Alex.

As we checked into the hotel, the lady at the front desk cheerily asked us if we had even been to OC before. When she found out that we had not, she leaned over the counter conspiratorially.  "While you're here, you HAVE to get Thrasher's French Fries and Fisher's Popcorn."

Here are things I love:
1. French fries.
2. Popcorn

We staggered off to our room and dropped into bed so we'd be well rested when we needed to escape from gangs of wild horses, intent on stompling us to death before eating our french fries and popcorn.

Albert's ABSOLUTELY Amazing Launch Party

It took me almost 12 years to complete my most recent picture book, Albert's Almost Amazing Adventure. Planning the launch party for that same book seemed like it took twice that amount of time and at least ten times the effort.

I'm not much of one for party planning. I never have been. My idea of planning a party usually goes something like this:

1. I should have a party.

And that's really about it. I invite people to the party and hope for the best.

Do I have any napkins? No. You have a sleeve, right?
A fork? What's wrong with your fingers?
A cool, refreshing beverage? The sink is over there.
Something to eat? I think there are some dried up raisins in the cupboard over there. Help yourself.

This worked adequately well while I was in college and expectations were generally low. As an adult, however, it seems that people expect more when you invite them to a party. That's why I'm so lucky that my wife, Kerri is a wonderful party planner who considers things like "what other people might want".

When Islandport Press (who published the book) suggested that I host a launch party, I thought, "Okay. I think there's a half a bag of BBQ-flavored chips in the cupboard and I can probably dig out an old packet of Kool Aid."

I found out rather quickly that they had other ideas of what a launch party might entail. A launch party is, essentially,  a way to gather a large group of people together in the hope that they will buy many copies of your new book. I was advised, by every single person I spoke with, that lushing people up with stale BBQ chips and watered down grape Kool Aid was not going to cut it.

The publisher and my wife immediately swooped into action to save me from myself.

First, the publisher sent a bunch of goofy, book-themed props that we could use to make a photo booth.

Welcome to my party. Please stick your head in a shark's mouth.

A wide variety of ghastly props for use in the photo-booth.

Then Islandport Press changed the game by whispering to me that they provide "a budget" to help pay for launch parties.

My "Free Jet-Packs for Everybody While We Party On A Cruise Ship To Hawaii" party theme idea was quickly squashed.

"Perhaps we should discuss what we meant by 'a budget'," the publisher said.

With a somewhat altered view of what may be possible, I set out to make the most wonderful party I could imagine. And my wife and kids and the people at Islandport set out to make sure that it actually WAS wonderful.

I sought help from author friends who had hosted many successful launch parties. By stealing their brilliant ideas, I was able to save myself from many hours of unpleasant thinking and planning.

I made activity sheets and bought some crayons and pencils because, as my pal, Julie Falatko explained, "Nothing says 'party" like an activity sheet."

I bought tickets so I could raffle off an original piece of art. These would prove to be a problem later.

I hand-carved a bunch of rubber stamps featuring events from the book.

I made postcards where people could collect the stamps.

I bought 11 billion pipe cleaners so people could make their very own Albert glasses.

And Islandport Press sent me a bunch of really cool bookmarks to hand out.

My first act in planning the party was to send up a Steve Signal™. I got in touch with my good friends (and musicians extraordinaire) Steve Blunt,  Joe Pierog, and Noelle Boc to see if THE BAND could play at the party. Sadly, Noelle could not make it, but the rest of THE BAND would be there. 

I contacted the PTA at the local elementary school and asked if they would like to handle book sales at the party. I offered to donate all the profits to the school's PTA. They very kindly agreed to help out and Heidi Morgan, the president of the PTA was terrific.

I contacted the wonderful folks at The Whipple Free Library in New Boston and asked about using the Community Room to host the party. They agreed, as long as I brought back that overdue book I had out.

I also contacted... Miss Sam. Miss Sam is currently the readiness teacher at the local elementary school. She's also a wonderful human being. I roped her into having her entire class perform a dramatic interpretation of my book.

Things were rolling.

As the day of the party drew ever nearer, Kerri kept giving me helpful suggestions of things I might want to do.

Buy some food for the party.
Buy more food for the party, you cheapskate.
No, you can't feed a bunch of kids leftover rabbit food from the shed.
What is wrong with you? A single serving packet of Goldfish crackers? I'm going shopping.

Thankfully, Kerri did a masterful job of thwarting my every avoidance and we wound up with a lovely, well thought out spread.

Tori and I spent a lot of time decorating cookies that Kerri baked.

Lots of cookies.

Tori will be thrilled that I am sharing this picture of her. I love you, honey!

Albert!

Albert!

 The day of the party arrived and, armed with cookies, food, snacks, photo-booth accessories, activity sheets, and some wonderful helpers, we partied hard.

We spent most the early afternoon setting up the room and hoping that somebody would come.

Amazing A/V Spectaular? Check.

Amazing Art Raffle? Check.

Amazing Photo Booth? Check.

Amazing Arts and Crafts? Check.

Amazing mom, ready to paint some faces? Check.

We needn't have worried about people coming. They came. And came, and came, and came. It was awesome!

My Amazing high school helpers, Lexi, Molly, and Kayley helped with crowd control.

Tori acted as the door bouncer. She was handing out raffle tickets at the door. She found out fast that she needed to explain that the tickets were free, otherwise people turned and tried to flee.

Lexi sported some high fashion Albert Glasses.

My mom and Molly painted a LOT of faces.

Because there were a LOT of people there.

A LOT of people.

We started out with Miss Sam's Readiness class performing a dramatic interpretation of my book. That's Miss Sam, sneaking up behind me.

The kids...

were...

SO...

AMAZING!!!

I can't even express how flattered and thrilled I was with the incredible job that Miss Sam and her class did in performing the book.  They were a very tough act to follow, but I gave a brief presentation on how I created the book after their stellar performance.

"Hey. Guy! Get off the stage! Bring the kids back!"

There was a brief time after my presentation where I signed a lot of books and talked with a lot of friends who showed up at the party.
 

Chris looks good in anything, but REALLY rocks those Albert glasses!

I met a lot of new friends signing books.

And got to see some old friends, too.

Hugs all around!

My friend, the very talented author/illustrator Lisa showed up with her son, Jack.

My high school pal Elizabeth came!

Jen and Laura, two of the greatest librarians in the world showed up to party. Librarians know how to party, y'all.

Another illustrator friend! Paul came all the way from Massachusetts!

After a whirlwind meet and greet, it was back on stage for the big music show.

I cajoled Tori into joining us for 1 song. She may, eventually, forgive me some day.

There was dancing.

There was a Toddler Mosh Pit.

The view from the stage.

Another view from the stage. Look at all the friends who came!

 After the music, there was a little more time for chatting and signing books and then... it was over.

I cannot thank you all enough. To the friends and family who helped to make this such an amazing time, I humbly and sincerely thank you. To everyone who came to enjoy the day with us, I thank you. I wish I could have spent more time visiting with everyone.

We'll have to do this again. I still have a half a single-serving package of Goldfish crackers left over.

Who's in?

Gift Swap of Horror - 2016 Edition. Now 200% More Horror!

 Here is a list of places we are not allowed to display the gift we got this year:

Next to Kerri's side of the bed.
On Kerri's desk, poised rakishly behind her laptop screen.
Beside the coffee maker.
In the kitchen cupboards.
In the refrigerator.
In the freezer.
In the oven.
In the shower.
In Kerri's sock drawer.
Anyplace that Kerri will see it. Ever.

This was a particularly rough Gift Swap year and many people will be suffering badly; some as a result of receiving certain gifts–some as a result of giving certain gifts. I am lucky enough to be in both categories this year.

Every year, we gather together with a small group of friends and exchange gifts that are lovingly selected to inflict as much pain, suffering, and humiliation as possible for whoever receives the gift. Over the 17 or 18 years we have upheld this venerable tradition, there have been tears, there have been laughs, and, in one case, there have been entire friendships ended. Sad, true fact.

But none of those risks can deter us from our annual Festival of Suffering. Probably because people always bring really delicious food.

This year, Caleb particularly liked the cookies. Or, possibly those are spring rolls in his mouth. It's really kind of hard to tell.

Over the years, Swappers have come and gone. Some have never returned. Some have never recovered. Occasionally, some new sucker decides to join our merry band and there is always much rejoicing because the new kids never quite seem to get it.

Seasoned Swappers spend the entire year scouring the earth, looking for something truly mind-bendingly awful to enter into The Swap. The new kids tend to run down to the dollar store and grab some tacky figurine or something on their way to The Swap. Then, after they discover the true nature of the gifts that are exchanged, they never return. Or recover.

 New Swappers are a hot commodity and all the seasoned pros look forward to getting a gift from a newbie. "It won't be that bad," we tell ourselves.

This year we had 5 new Swappers in The Swap. A new record. Joy reigned supreme with the old pros. Our chances of getting a newbie gift were very, very good.

The evening started off as they always do - with a frenzy of greetings and hugs and food and drink and conversation.

Ryan in silent prayer that his suffering is brief. It will not be.

We had a large teenage population again this year. Caleb is still enjoying the cookies. Alex throws up gang signs to prove that he is a real OG street thug here in rural New Hampshire.  Kayley humors Alex and tells him that he's totally gangsta. 

Molly joined us again this year and seems to be having the time of her life. Or smelling a fart. Or, possibly, both.

Caleb claims that he did NOT fart. As I understand it, there is still some small debate about the matter.

Kristen, a new Swapper, is justifiably nervous about The Swap. She also smells Caleb's fart.

Julie, Ben, and Ann. Veteran Swappers, battle-hardened and seemingly unconcerned by Caleb's fart.

Pat and Carolyn enjoy the food, content in the knowledge that they are merely spectators, far too smart to take part in The Swap.

Scott, another veteran Swapper is calm and collected and looking a bit like an advertisement for Guniness Stout.

The calm before the storm.

Food and libations to ease suffering.

Tahra and Avery spent some quality time coloring before the swap began and Avery took up her new position as "The Namer of Gifts".

Kerri looks off into the middle distance, hoping that we don't get the huge gift that Ryan and Nichole brought. We have suffered greatly at their hands before.

Kayley and Tori rejoiced in the fact that they, too were mere bystanders, in attendance only to revel in the misery of others. Little does Tori know that we are planning to display our gift in her room. Mwaaa hahahahahahaha!

Ben is happy, knowing that the gift he has brought will make someone suffer dearly.

Ann contemplates whether or not Caleb did actually fart. He is her son after all and the quality of the fart could reflect on her as a parent.

This will be the last time Julie smiles for a long, long time. (Foreshadowing.)

Tim is excited that Caleb is being blamed for a fart that he actually dropped. (Fartshadowing.)

But this evening is not all about food.

Except for Caleb.

 We came here for a purpose: To cause our friends pain and suffering. Through some sort of unspoken signal, there was a general migration toward the living room where the gifts were tantalizingly displayed for all to see.

"Choose me!" the gifts beckon with their festive trimmings and wrappings. Except for the one that Tim & Katie brought, which is wrapped securely in masking tape and covered in dire, scrawled warnings.

Because there were so many people involved, Kerri devised a numbering system that was far more complicated than simply drawing names. We have been married long enough so that I merely nodded in agreement and followed her complex, convoluted plan to the letter. Each gift was numbered, 1-10 and then each participant drew a number from a bowl. Each Swapper gets the gift that corresponds with his number.

This is not like a Yankee Swap. There is no choosing and changing. The slogan for our swap is:

"You get what you get and you DO get upset. Very upset."

Tension mounted as Swappers drew numbers and sealed their fates. We had 10 Swappers this year, up from 5 last year, so chances of getting a gift from a New Swapper was high.

Ryan and Nichole got # 1. Ryan is recklessly happy about it. Nichole, a veteran, is properly wary.

New Swappers Kristen and Dave got #2. Please note that New Swappers tend to be happy. Ignorance is Bliss. But only temporarily.

#3 went to Tahra, whose young daughter, Avery, was in tears when she found out that they couldn't keep the gift that they had brought for The Swap. Usually people cry AFTER they get a gift, not before they give it away.

Kerri and I got #4. A gift brought by a NEWBIE! WE WERE SAVED. Almost.

Ben and Ann got #5. Not a newbie gift. They are concerned. And rightly so.

#6 went to Kat and Anthony, New Swappers who were smart enough NOT to be happy at this point. Nobody should be happy at this point.

Alas, my dear friends, Scott and Julie got #7, the number attached to the gift that Kerri and I had submitted. A gift that I had secretly hoped Scott and Julie would not get. Almost. Julie's sour face is only a small taste of the bitter year that lies ahead of her.

#8 went to Rayla. She's Ben and Ann's daughter and, as a college sophomore, has had The Swap inflicted on her EVERY YEAR OF HER LIFE. She was brave and intrepid enough to strike out on her own and play solo this year. A bold and laudable move that may drive her roommate away and afford Rayla some extra space in her dorm room. Well played, young lady!

#9 went to another New Swapper, Amy, my Sister from Another Mister. I love her dearly and am happy that she will be suffering along with the rest of us in the coming year. She is shocked at this point and, due to her poor life decision of starting some sort of "cleanse", she was unable to dull the pain with malted barley and hops or fermented grapes or distilled potatoes. One cannot properly endure one's first Swap with mere seltzer water in one's cup

Lucky #10 went to Tim and Katie. Veteran Swappers unable to hold up the pretense of happiness any longer.

Tim puts on a brave face, but the facade was thin and crumbled quickly. Amy finished her seltzer water and refilled her cup with Katie's tears which, it appears, were allowed in her "cleanse".

Caleb jumped in on that and shared the cup of tears with Amy. Tears act as a nice salty counterpoint to cookies.

 Numbers were drawn, fates were sealed, cookies were consumed, and the moment of truth was upon us.

Ryan and Nichole were first. Ryan bravely stepped forward and unwrapped his gift. We sat in breathless silence as the wrappings were removed to reveal...

A thing!

A possibly holy icon that should be treated with reverence and respect.

Price tag left on. Though not required, this assures that the $5 maximum rule was followed. The $4 price tag also seems to assure that this is not an ancient sacred holy relic.

Ryan is a brilliant engineer by trade and he immediately devised an ingenious use for the sanctified relic.

If the back is filled with ice, it works as a convenient, easy to use, fashionable drink holder. He demonstrated how easy it is to use.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Amy was about to start a seltzer water intervention for Ryan, but Caleb took the holy drink cooler and filled it with cookies.

Dave stepped up next. He was a New Swapper who got a gift from another New Swapper. It should have been a very easy year for him and Kristen.

Dave is happy in the knowledge that he has a gift from an inexperienced Swapper. 

His bravado holds up for only the briefest moment as the full, glittery horror of this unicorn is unleashed upon his eyes.

Behold this sparkly abomination!

And this is the point where things shifted a bit. The veteran Swappers began to realize that the New Swappers had not just grabbed something awful at the dollar store. (Or, in the case of Kat's unicorn, given away a cherished childhood keepsake.)

These new kids were good.

Too good...

We got nervous.

Tahra was next. She picked up her gift, the one that didn't lie about what it held.

She's happy. But not for long.

Tahra had Avery to help her with the wrapping, which was a good thing.

It took them about 45 minutes to get all the masking tape off.

And when they were finished, Avery couldn't have been more delighted.

I'm certain that Tahra was equally delighted with her mosaic fish, hastily and poorly constructed from hundreds of shards of razor sharp glass.

Avery then began her official duties as, "The Namer of Gifts That, In Avery's Opinion, Require Names". It's a long title that she'll probably have trouble fitting on a business card, but it's important and she took her duties seriously. The fish is named Marco Jr., after Marco Polo.

Next, it was our turn. Our gift had been brought by Kristen and Dave. I like them. They're great people. But they were new and inexperienced and I was giddy with joy at the thought that we would get off easily this year.

I was wrong.

So very, very wrong.

Kerri's nearly pathological fear of snakes will be in full bloom this year. Please note that she is viewing from 15 feet away, the closest she has gotten to this snake which, I am sad to report does not yet have a name. Thanks for nothing, Avery.

Alex demonstrates the safe way to handle this beauty.

Caleb tried to eat it. He said that it tasted like chicken. But crunchier and sharper.

After the snake, Ben stepped forward to claim his pain for the year.

There was some brief confusion until Avery pointed out that Ben was holding it backward.

Then there was still confusion, but of a different sort. It was more like, "Why me?" and "Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?"

Avery swooped in immediately and named the cow Milky Stripes.

Milky Stripes also sounds like the name of a candy bar Caleb might eat.

After Milky Stripes, it was Anthony and Kat's turn. They were delighted with the small size of the package they got - a rookie mistake. Small packages can hold large-scale horror.

"How bad can it be?" Anthony asks himself.

Pretty bad, as it turns out. Anthony and Kat will be sharing their lives with these two adorably evil little soul-stealing pieces of painted fruit, straight outta Satan's fruitbasket.

And then things got really, really bad.

All year, I had been a-tingle with anticipation about giving the gift we had found. It was truly one of the most horrible things I have ever entered into the swap.

It's a clown-themed sort of item and Julie has what may delicately be called, a THING about clowns. Not a small THING. A kind of big THING.

I didn't know exactly how to feel when I saw that Julie and Scott had drawn our gift, especially since, in all the years they have played, they have never gotten our entry. This year, with so many new players, they had a 10% chance of getting ours.

It was not the bestest night of Julie's life...

Scott relaxes as Julie begins unwrapping. These are the last few seconds of joy Julie will know for the next year.

A quick peek in the box and the color drains from Julie's face.

Julie hands the box to Scott and attempts to put some sort of voodoo curse on me.

Scott tries his new Touch-A-Clown Therapy™ to help Julie overcome her fear. It does not work. At all.

Scott triumphantly explains all the places that Julie can expect to find the clown over the next 365 days. Julie contemplates my destruction.

I am certain that Julie's retribution will be complete and terrible. It will not, I am equally certain, be swift. Julie will lull me into a false sense of safety and sometime - perhaps many years in the future - she will push me off a cliff while we are hiking. As I plummet into the abyss, she will call out after me - her words barely audible over the wind rushing past me as I spiral toward the jagged rocks below, "Now who's laughing, jerk?"

The answer, at least for the moment, is "me".

Things quieted down after Julie stopped screaming and slipped into a whimpering sort of catatonia.

Rayla was up for her first solo foray into The Swap. She got Ryan and Nichole's gift. The really, really big one that everybody was secretly relieved not to have gotten. Everybody except Rayla, that is.

She bore her burden bravely.

It took Rayla a bit longer than it should have to open it because Avery wasn't able to help. She was behind Rayla, delivering cookies to Caleb.

He enjoyed them.

Rayla and, by default, her poor, innocent college room mate - who didn't even come to The Swap - are now the proud owners of a giant deer-themed jigsaw puzzle, lovingly framed behind scratched plexiglass. Rayla will have a grand time trying to find a way to hang this on the 3 square feet of wall space that every dorm room has available.

Next up was Amy who got special help from Avery because Avery and Tahra had brought this gift and Avery cried about the fact that she wouldn't be allowed to keep it.

Avery helps Amy to unwrap her new favorite thing in the world.

Amy is delighted with her rustic landscape created from other rustic landscaping, namely lawn clippings and compost. Avery offers to trade Amy a handful of cookies for it, but because of her "cleanse", Amy is not allowed to consume anything that casts a shadow. She must decline the trade and live with her prize.

Behold it's sublime glory.

Amy longed for a rustic cabin in which to hang her rustic art. Maybe next year, as there is no prohibition against giving dwellings as swap gifts.

Yet.

But if I wind up with a yurt next year, the rules are gonna change, y'all.

Katie and Tim were next up. Their gift was also small, but as veteran Swappers, they knew better than to get excited about it.

Ben, however, was VERY excited that his gift was going to move in with Tim and Katie.

Tim looks to Julie for some moral support, but she is still in shock, mumbling quietly and incessantly about clowns, clowns, clowns...

Tim reveals a gift of ethereal beauty and superb craftsmanship. One to rival the great religious art of centuries past.

A brilliant, lenticular painting of an angel and two really creepy kids. It's blinding beauty and constant appearance of motion prevented me from getting a good picture of it. You'll just have to trust me. It was REALLY nice.

Katie had to hide behind Kat to prevent herself from being overwhelmed by its awesomeness.

Nichole tried to cast a spell on it to make the picture disappear, but it didn't work.

Nichole's spell might actually have backfired and given Julie's clown a spark of life. Maybe. I mean, have you seen the clown recently, Julie? Where is it right now?

Once all the gifts were opened, we stood back to admire this year's gallery.

The collection.

Rayla's new deer poster.

Satan's fruit with the as-yet unnamed snake.

Ryan's sanctified drink cooler.

Mr. Happy Clown, Julie's new BFF.

Still life with clown, fruit, and drink cooler.

Milky Stripes.

Motion Activated Angel Kids™!

Mr. Slithers?

The installation art piece I am calling, "Everything In The Kitchen Sink".

In spite of the snake that is now inhabiting our home (in a location that Kerri will no doubt discover shortly...), we did get one excellent piece of art out of all this.

Thanks, Avery!

I'm already excited for next year.

So is Caleb!