An Awesome Book Review. Or, At Least, An Awesome Word Review.

You know how sometimes you write a book and it's like 25,000 words long and you slave over it and work on it and strive to make every single one of those 25,000 words perfect in every way?

You know that?

And then, you do something wild and reckless and crazy and you wind up getting a book review from somebody totally amazing and that person reviews exactly one of the 25,000 words that you wrote?

It probably happens to you all the time, but this is the first time it's happened to me.

I have this new book coming out in the fall. Fame, Fortune, and the Bran Muffins of Doom. It's the epic adventure of Simon and his buddies Munch and Ralph, who are trying to win the school talent show so they can collect the millions of dollars that they are certain is the first prize.  They are hindered by the fact that they are entirely without talent of any sort. And, when they do actually try to rehearse, the crazy old lady next door starts throwing her deadly bran muffins at them.

So you can see that the book shares much with the great works of literature throughout history. Namely, that it has words in it. Lots of words. Including words like "habiliments", "kinesthesia", "pinguid" and "terpsichorean". The main character, Simon,  has an exceptional vocabulary. So I have taken the time to include a glossary to help readers decipher what he's talking about.

The book is, as I type, being copy-edited and proof-read by an expert team of ninja-like trained editors with red pens the size of baseball bats.

While I wait for the excitement of the editing party to draw to a close, I decided to use my time wisely and start bugging really famous people to review the book for me.

Target number one was one of my favorite writers on the planet, Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess. (DO NOT GO AWAY RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT DONE HERE! Also, if you are a kid reading this, you probably shouldn't click on that link because she uses a lot of words that will get you sent to the principal's office if you use them. She can use them because she is an adult and people pay her big bucks to use that sort of language, so it's okay for her to use it.)

She is brilliantly funny and never fails to make me snort coffee out my nose–a tragic mistake you'd think I'd learn from.

So I decided to send her an email, asking if she would be interested in reading my book and writing a review of it. I know that she gets swamped with desperate requests like this. I know this because she has an entire page on her blog devoted to repelling requests like this.  (You might want to go to that link, but please come back, I'm almost finished. Also, there are a few more bad words there. Do not repeat them unless you are getting paid to do so.)

Basically, if you approach her with a stupid request, she will send you a picture of Wil Wheaton collating papers.

I was willing to take that risk.

I wrote to her.

Hi Jenny,

I just got a questionnaire from the marketing people at Holiday House (who are publishing my upcoming chapter book: Fame, Fortune, and The Bran Muffins of Doom).

They are looking for people who might be interested in reading it and writing a blurb that they can exploit and shamelessly use to help sell the book.

I'd love to say that it will benefit you somehow, but aside from the fact that you will get a free copy of the book (and really, not even a decent copy, just a crummy old ARC) I suspect that you are not in terribly dire need of any publicity I can offer you.

You would, of course get to read about Simon, Munch, and Ralph and contribute your thoughts to what I suspect will be the only children's book in existence that uses the words "terpsichorean" and "ballistic muffins of mass destruction". It is also the only children's book in history officially endorsed (sort of) by the punk bands Screeching Weasel, NOFX, and Psychostick.

If nothing else, I'm sure it will be a valuable addition to Hailey's library. Or you can use it as a handy coaster.

If you'd be willing to look at a copy of the book, I'd love to have the marketing gurus put you on the exclusive list of potential reviewers.

If not, I totally understand, and I will humbly accept a picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper.

Take care and thanks.

Marty

And I sat back and awaited my picture of Wil.

Within 24 hours, an email appeared in my inbox. With an attachment on it.

Marty,

You are hilarious and I will forward your request to Jenny. I'm not sure
if she'll be able to review your book simply because she is so crazy busy
right now with her own book and upcoming tour but hey, it doesn't hurt to
ask right? Either way, one of us will get back with you and let you know
about the review.

In the mean time, because you are so sweet, I have attached THE PICTURE
and will wish you much success on your book.

We'll let you know soon, I promise!

Mary, Fairy Godmother
(Jenny's Assistant)

Who knew she had an assistant? And one with such wonderful taste in humor? She was charming and polite and funny, so what do I do? Sit back and wait?

Heck no! I fight back.

Dear Fairy Mary,

Thanks so much. I thought that Jenny would be unbelievably busy, but as you said, it never hurts to ask.

When I saw that there was an attachment, I assumed I had been Wheatoned. Yes. It's a verb now.

So, I will see your Wheatoning and counter with Simon, the main character from my book, drawing secret plans on paper which is bound and thus requires no collating.

Thanks again. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Marty

And she replied:

Marty!

The picture is AWESOME and I'm so forwarding it to Jenny for her to see as
well. : )

YOU.SO.ROCK!

Mary, Fairy Godmother
(Jenny's Assistant)

Please note that my name has been upgraded to include an exclamation point. I expect you all to start writing that way immediately. I also expect that you will say my name properly now. 

YELL IT!

I owe Mary eternally for giving me a name upgrade. In fact, I will return the favor and ask that you all refer to her as MARY2.0! from now on.

And then, a scant few hours later, this arrived from Jenny herself:

I've been saying no to all reviews since I'm really busy but if it's a
kids book I could probably fit it in. Can you send the arc to the address
under my advertising tab? I can't promise I'll read it soon but you can
feel free to use this quote: "This book taught me the meaning of the word
"terpsichorean". Literally. If you don't know it you should probably buy
the book. "

Seriously.  How cool is that? How hard does she rock? (answers: Really cool. Really hard.)

Now, if I can just get her to actually read the other 24,999 words in the book...

New York; New Book!

I recently returned from a trip to New York City. Close observers will realize quickly that the photo above is not me in New York. It is me with Julie (my hiking wife) just before we climbed Mt. Cube in New Hampshire, which is not in New York City. I offer this picture as a point of comparison.

Please notice the expression on my face when I am out in the woods.

Look carefully and see if you can spot the subtle differences between that picture and this photo of me in New York City.

There are other differences between my real life and NYC.

1. The scenery.

View from a New Hampshire summit:

View from a NYC summit:

2. The natural wonders.

New Hampshire's rare and much sought after natural beer spring:

New York's shy and elusive Lego lion:

I went to New York City with Kerri (my real-life, non-hike wife) to meet my agent, Abi, and my editor, Sylvie.

I was meeting them because it seems that I have finally managed to sell my first chapter book.

(insert sound effect of wild applause)

In the interest of total disclosure, I have not yet signed the contract so there is still the extremely slight but very real possibility that this will totally tank, but I think not. And I hope not. 

I wrote about this book on my blog a long time ago. You can go back and read it or skip ahead for a brief, yet thrilling, summary.

Briefly, here is what happened:

Many years ago, I sent a picture book manuscript to Abi, my editor at Tricycle.

Abi did not like my book.

She suggested that it might make a good chapter book if I could bulk it up  a bit. Like, you know, bring it up from 800 words to... oh... I don't know... 23,000 words.

So I did.

But she didn't like that either. 

So I did another one.

And she liked it.

So, I sat waiting for her to send me a contract.

But she had to take it to meetings and convince other people that it was a good book.

So I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And then Random House bought Tricycle.

And everyone was very excited.

And I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And then Random House shut Tricycle down.

And people were not so excited about that.

Especially Abi, my editor, who, in addition to the crippling blow of not being able to edit my book, no longer had a job.

I had my manuscript back.

I sent it to Holiday House and heard from Sylvie, an omnipotent editor who said she liked it.

Meanwhile, back at the farm, Abi became an agent and, after eventually getting sick of my constant pleading, whining, begging, and wheedling, said that she would represent me.

So, armed with Abi's ridiculous ninja-like agent powers, we have hammered out a deal to finally bring my chapter book to the masses.

The book itself is sort of like Charlotte's Web, except that it has no pig, no spider, no farm, no animals, and is actually about a dorky boy and his two dorky friends who try to start a boy-band to win the school competition. But other than that, it is almost a complete rip-off of Charlotte's Web.

Sylvie, the editor extraordinaire, has contributed many very helpful ideas to the development of the book including changing it to be a first-person story.

My previous experiences in publishing have all been with picture books, which have a very low word count. Editing and revising an 800 word story can be slightly time-consuming, but completely rewriting a 23,000 word book is slightly more time consuming.

I was very happy to have her input on the book, however–no matter how much I cried as I rewrote it again and again and again.

So when, in the midst of a flurry of emails about contract negotiations, which included phrases like

"Notwithstanding the foregoing, should, during the term of this Agreement"...

There was mention of meeting for breakfast, I took notice.

"I like breakfast," I thought, "I should get in on this!"

The fine print, that the breakfast in question would take place in New York City, did not fully dawn on me until I had committed to it.

So Kerri and I packed the kids away in a closet and spent a delightful 36 hours in Manhattan at a hotel that was, if the description on their website was to be believed, "Nestled in a quiet, residential neighborhood."

This is the view out of our hotel window:

I suppose that everything is relative and it was quiet compared to a Slayer concert. During low level nuclear testing.

We spent the first day wandering around Manhattan, enjoying the many splendid sights that await a couple of slack-jawed yokels visiting the big city.

We gaped at the ceiling in the NY Public Library (in which we were unable to locate a single book):

We enjoyed the view from the top of The Empire State Building and learned that this big pole thing on the top was designed as a docking site for blimps. True fact.

We saw surly teen-aged kids who did not want their pictures to be taken:

We saw parents of those kids who probably wish that this picture had not been taken:

We saw the Police Department Riot Squad arrive for some festivities (we did not bother to stick around and discover what the festivities in question were):

And we saw some things that utterly mystified us:

If anyone can explain what a "Disco Nap" is , or why anyone might be willing to shell out $2/minute for it, I would very much like to know.

We also went to Times Square where people from all over the world gather together to watch 100 foot TV ads for hours at a time:

We eventually staggered back to our quiet, residential hotel in mid-town Manhattan and dropped off to a restful slumber, lulled to sleep by the relaxing sirens, horns, and random shouts that danced in the still night air.

The next morning, we went off to meet and eat with Abi and Sylvie, the two most powerful people in the publishing world.

It was a delightful breakfast, made even more delightful by the fact that Holiday House paid for it. Sylvie and Abi were both charming, intelligent, and lovely and I would say that even if my future earnings didn't depend so much on their continued interest in my work.

To my lasting chagrin, I completely forgot to get a picture of the three of us together. I suspect that it wouldn't have worked out even if I had remembered. I have a sneaky suspicion that Abi's slick ninja powers make it so she doesn't even show up on film.

Sylvie then took us on a tour of the Holiday House offices, where I met the staff and saw lots of amazing artwork by some of my favorite illustrators. I'm humbled and excited to be on a list with Trina Schart Hyman, Edward Gorey, and James Ransome.

Maybe when I finish the artwork for this book, it will hang with those wonderful pieces. If it does, I'll celebrate by having another breakfast with Abi and Sylvie. But next time it will be in New Hampshire. Maybe I'll take them out to that beer fountain in the woods.
And after that, we can all take a Disco Nap.