It is that time of year again. The time of year when the faint echoes of Christmas carols can still be heard bouncing around in dark corners of department stores and the soft, quiet whimpers of people brave fool-hearty enough to join The Gift Swap of Doom grow louder and more heart-wrenching day by day until finally, the day is upon us like a rash.
A quick recap for the uninitiated: Every year, a band of intrepid friends gather to exchange artwork/home decór. The purchase price may not exceed $5. We swap gifts. Whatever you get must be prominently displayed in your home until the next swap.
This year's Swap is technically the second of 2023, last year's not happening until January. For some of us, the thought of spending even a couple fewer days with our gifts from last year was a thought to bring joy and happiness. All of us should know by now that anything associated with The Swap cannot also be associated with joy and happiness. The two are mutually exclusive by definition. Some of us would be reminded of that in no uncertain terms this evening.
This is, if I am correct, year 27 of the Swap. I have spent more than half of my life engaged in this self-destructive madness. It seems like a time for serious introspection and contemplation, but that is a path that can only lead to heartbreak and self-doubt. Rather than ponder the reasons that any of the swappers may choose to engage in this tradition of self-inflicted agony, I focused on setting the tone for the evening by offering up a Swap-worthy assortment of beverages for my friends who would soon arrive.
 |
| Bonus points if you can come up with a drink using all 4 ingredients that won't actually make you forget happiness. |
Oddly, all 4 bottles remained completely untouched throughout the entire evening. I'm patient, however. They'll be waiting for you next year, Swappers!
On the plus side, and we really must look for silver linings in the poop storm which is The Swap, most of my friends are very good cooks and the food is always wonderful.
 |
None of it seemed to pair with my beverage options, but that's probably for the best.
|
We gathered, as we typically do, in the living room to chat and laugh and pretend that the pile of wrapped gifts lurking in the corner isn't going to ruin lives.
 |
Caleb is not swapping. He is genuinely joyful with nothing to lose tonight.
|
 |
Nik, Ben, and Tim enjoy some laughs before things took a drastic turn for the worse for Nik.
|
 |
Ryan relaxes on Nik's legs, blissfully unaware of the throat-punch that fate had in store for him.
|
 |
Laughter, smiles, and love.
|
 |
As doom crouches in the corner.
|
All the while, within sight, casting a pall over the festivities...
 |
They almost look festive.
|
 |
However, there is a dark undercurrent. Spoiler: This small package will destroy lives and shatter peace of mind. Probably forever.
|
 |
Fortunately, there are tissues available. We are thoughtful and compassionate in our cruelty toward each other.
|
This year, because we, as a species, are inherently evil, we introduced a new optional mode of playing. Swappers had the option of bringing two gifts. The idea was that whomever drew your name would have to choose between the two gifts. The other would remain wrapped and would go back home with whomever brought it. This would add a layer of existential fear that, no matter what, you picked the worse option. But you would never know.
Kerri and I had two gifts in the pile, as did Julie and Scott and Julie 2.0 and Greg. Everyone else played by the traditional rules and suffered in the traditional ways which, of course, is ALL the ways.
This year, in an effort to make this blog feel like a more immersive experience, I used a new technology called "Photography" to show you exactly what it feels like to be the person who holds the bowl while people choose names. Brace yourself.
 |
But before we get to that, I just want to take a moment to let you all appreciate the 80's glory which was Lauren's hair. I referred to her as Bon Jovi that night, but let's be honest, her hair is MUCH better than any 80's glam rocker's. And certainly much better than my weak, fading purple mohawk.
|
And now, buckle up, kids...
 |
Oh, wait... Also, please appreciate Tim's hair, which is on THE WRONG HEMISPHERE OF HIS HEAD! It's a miracle and it's almost as lovely as Lauren's hair.
|
Okay. Seriously. here we go...
 |
Katie drew the first name.
|
 |
And the night is off to a smashing start.
|
We are not allowed to divulge whose name we picked until all the names are drawn. the only rule is that you may not have your own name.
Clearly, Katie does not.
And she will soon wish she had.
 |
Kerri drew next.
|
 |
And was stunned by the horror. She was frozen like this for nearly two and a half hours.
|
 |
Ann picked...
|
 |
And had an amazing poker face. She merely whimpered a bit and began to sweat profusely.
|
 |
Greg chose for himself and Julie 2.0
|
 |
And they were immediately cast into abject despair.
|
 |
Julie 1.0 chose...
|
 |
And was nearly as calm and cool as Ann. It was impressive. Only the slightest whimper escaped her.
|
 |
Lauren Bon Jovi was cool and calm as she selected her fate...
|
 |
And after a second to digest...
|
 |
A nervous laugh burbled up and she was her normal, super cool self once again.
|
You will notice that there is a single name left in the bowl. It was, without question, fated from the beginning of time that that name should go to Ryan and Nik. I am forced, in the interest of journalistic integrity, to share a lot of photos in a row right now. Things went downhill for Nik and Ryan in a spectacular way almost immediately.
 |
Nik is visibly upset that they have drawn Lauren's name.
|
 |
Oh Nik, you have no idea how bad it's about to get. Maybe a bottle of Tiramisu Liqueur doesn't sound so bad right about now, does it?
|
And to be clear, they have not even seen the gift yet. A few years ago, Lauren received one of the most awful gifts ever swapped. 8 plastic mannequin heads that hairdressers or serial killers might have strewn about their homes. Since then, she has been out for revenge on Ben and Ann, who gave that gift. As so often happens in tragic instances like these, innocent bystanders* were hurt.
*Nik and Ryan have given their fair share of truly hideous gifts. They are not innocent, but they will suffer disproportionally this year. Very, very disporportionally...
 |
Nik pulled herself together, perhaps thinking, "How bad can it possibly be? The box isn't that big."
|
 |
Something she should know better than to think by this point in her swapping career.
|
 |
She braces for impact as Ryan gingerly opens the package.
|
 |
A gasp escapes Ryan's lips and Nik turns away as if slapped with a wet haddock.
|
|
 |
Lauren, unable to hide her excitement, hops up to help Ryan safely unwrap...
|
 |
| this... |
 |
| thing. |
 |
Nik is past trying to control her shock, horror, and disgust.
|
 |
Ryan is stoic, but his calm exterior is obviously a thin veneer covering the overwhelming heartbreak of having this prominently displayed in his home for the next year.
|
 |
The room goes silent as compassionate thoughts of sympathy compete with uncharitable, but real thoughts of relief that it wasn't us who drew Lauren's name.
|
 |
Well, almost silent.
|
 |
There were a lot of inhuman sounds of ultimate suffering coming from Nik.
|
 |
"Look, Nik," Ryan tries, "It's not so bad."
|
 |
Nik is no dummy. It's really, really bad.
|
 |
"Can we have Lauren killed?"
|
 |
When she finds out that assassination violates the rules, Nik is resigned to her fate.
|
 |
Sort of.
|
 |
Perhaps the cross dangling incongruently from this hideous head can offer some solace?
|
 |
And then again, maybe not.
|
 |
Nik gathers herself and with a supreme show of fortitude, resilience, and strength...
|
 |
Weeps openly in a way that we all fully understand.
|
As the shattered remains of Nik and Ryan try to regroup and figure out how they will extract revenge next year, it is Lauren's turn.
Lauren, justifiably proud of entering the elite Top 5 Worst Ever Club, swaggered to her gift and tossed her perfect hair defiantly.
 |
She drew Tim and Katie's gift, complete with tissues, which she generously offered to Nik and Ryan.
|
 |
Unwrapping her gift, she discovered not one, but two...
|
 |
framed...
|
 |
Awful little images.
|
This swap is a perfect illustration of the relativity of everything. What Lauren received was really, really ugly. I mean, it was bad. Time and Katie are veteran swappers with a gift for delivering consistently terrible pieces. But when compared to the nightmare that Lauren brought, almost anything is going to look like the Mona Lisa.
Next in line was Julie 1.0. She had drawn Julie 2.0's gift, thus creating what will now be called a "Triple Julie", though I'm unsure of what the hell that actually means.
 |
Julie carefully and literally weighs her options as Alex watches in the background, safe and warm in the knowledge that he just came for the appetizers and will not be going home with anything worse than heartburn.
|
 |
Julie 1.0 coolly walks back to her chair
|
 |
And admires the cheery Christmas cards attached to
|
 |
A black velvet..
|
 |
Wait a minute!
|
 |
This is a problem.
|
Julie 2.0 has regifted a swap gift from last year. There is a quick and frantic debate amongst the Committee of Elder Swappers and it is unanimously decided that this gift is disqualified on the grounds that we have all seen it before. One of the rules is that nobody in the swap can see your gift before the swap.
So Julie 1.0 is obliged to take the second gift. She made a well-played, but ill-fated defense that she should get off free this year, but that kind of crap doesn't fly here.
Go get your new gift, Julie!
 |
With a heavy heart, she grabs the second gift and trudges back to her seat.
|
 |
The card seems to bring less seasonal joy than before.
|
 |
As does the gift.
|
 |
Julie is her usual cool, calm self as the iridescent faux pearl inlaid piece of crap glittered in the light.
|
 |
The glittering is evidently not reflected in Julie's heart.
|
Julie 2.0 and Greg are the next victims in this evening's cavalcade of despair. They have drawn Julie 1.0's gift, possibly setting us up for a "Quadruple Julie" which, while impressive sounding perhaps, is still a complete mystery to me.
 |
| Greg gamely and intelligently grabs the much smaller of the two gifts Julie 1.0 has brought. |
|
 |
When he grabs it, Julie 1.0 emits a quiet, but very clear groan. I am intrigued. She seems genuinely unhappy that he has selected that gift.
|
 |
| Julie 2.0 is much less unhappy. She seems gleeful. |
 |
Probably because she opened it backward and hasn't yet seen what is in store for her.
|
 |
One of the most upsetting and haunting paintings The Swap has ever seen.
|
This is another example of relativity. This painting is truly upsetting and awful. There is SO much wrong with it. So much in it designed to bring unhappiness and nightmares to whomever possesses it.
And yet, in the shadow of Lauren's gift, which has now been named Clay, it seems positively cheery.
 |
Unlike Nik.
|
Next in line are Ben and Ann. Ben selects his gift, this one brought by Nik and Ryan, who, it turns out had just purchased it TODAY. I am not one to point fingers and cast blame, but that sort of reckless mismanagement of time is a sure way to come to the swap with something mildly tacky instead of the soul-crushing juggernaut of a gift that, say, Lauren brought.
 |
Ben calmly selects the gift that will haunt his dreams for the next year
|
 |
And slowly unwraps it
|
 |
Almost seductively, one might say.
|
 |
The allure is somewhat diminished when the wrapping paper is completely removed.
|
 |
It is a really, rally bad painting of... a cat? with a zucchini protruding from it? There is hot debate about the content of this painting. "What IS that?!"
|
 |
Ben puts on his glasses, but there is no clarity.
|
Oddly, Nik and Ryan went to purchase the painting which was marked for $10 (if I remember correctly, I was still reeling from Lauren's gift). We have a strict $5 limit on any gift. Bartering ensued and, apparently as a result of Nik and Ryan wanting it, the people at the thrift store became irrationally convinced that this painting may be one by a famous artist.
I'm no expert, but famous artists rarely, if ever, display their masterpieces in mats that have been cut to fit, then taped back together with electrical tape, which was then painted sparkly gold.
Of course, this could be the exception, but Nik eventually promised that if it was a famous masterwork, she would sell it and return to donate half the proceeds to the thrift store. Satisfied, the shopkeepers grudgingly let her buy their wares.
We will all be on the lookout for signs of sudden opulence and spendiness from Ben and Ann.
I was the next victim. Since Kerri had drawn the name, I was given the unwrapping duty. Sadly for everyone in my shoes that night, Kerri had picked Ben and Ann's name. Ben is my oldest and dearest friend in the world so I was very, very scared. I know what he is capable of. 8 mannequin heads were at the front of my mind as I picked up the box that was to be our punishment. I handed my phone to Kerri and strode forth to accept my fate with calm aplomb.
 |
"Ha! This will be swell!"
|
 |
| "Maybe..." |
 |
I am confused.
|
 |
And sad.
|
 |
Alex and Lib steal my phone to document how happy they are they they have their own apartment now and will not have to live with this thing.
|
It is a ceramic black statue of two entwined figures. It looks alarmingly like the cake topper that I made for the top of our wedding cake. There is a deep collective cringe about that fact.
And then Tim and Katie are up. They have drawn our name and they are not happy about that. We have brought two gifts to the swap. One very large and one very small.
 |
One box makes you angry... The other makes you sad...
|
The obvious debate ensued.
If it's that little, it must be AWFUL.
Is it really that big or did they just put a small thing in a big box?
Do they WANT us to pick the smaller one?
Do they want us to THINK that they want us to pick the smaller one?
The mental gymnastics are real.
 |
Tim tries to be all casual, but he and Katie have fallen on opposite sides of this debate.
|
 |
Tim wants the small one.
|
 |
Katie wants the big one.
|
 |
Katie uses her superior mind-control powers to bend Tim to her will...
|
 |
And they get a huge, ugly fire-hazard lamp.
|
 |
Tim whimpers a bit, but bears the blow heroically.
|
 |
Katie suggests that they can use the gift we provided to burn our house down.
|
 |
But her plans are foiled when the wiring turns out to be safe.
|
 |
Tim says he knows where he can get matches, though.
|
 |
We are still friends.
|
 |
And Katie spent the rest of the night trying to rub the lamp to make a genie appear and kill me.
|
I missed the obligatory group gift photo this year, so please enjoy this thrilling recap:
 |
Nik and Ryan will suffer with this.
|
 |
Details, because it's worth it.
|
 |
Lauren will suffer thusly.
|
 |
Julie's pain will take this form.
|
 |
Ben and Ann will have nightmares about this.
|
 |
I will spend the year being reminded that my romantic cake topper is clearly reflected in this awful piece of garbage.
|
 |
Juile 2.0 and Greg will likely never sleep well again.
|
 |
And Tim and Katie's home has been transformed into Nana's living room, circa 1972. And while she never managed to manifest a genie, we did find a small bulb and got the bottom of the lamp lit up, too. Tim was thrilled.
|
As all good things come to an end, so must these swaps. We said our goodbyes.
 |
Don't worry; Lauren and Nik are still friends.
|
Several people helped mop up the puddles of tears from beneath Nik's chair, and we went our merry ways, each of us to seek the perfect spot to prominently display our gifts in our homes, as the rules require.
If you come to my house, you'll see ours easily enough. I found the perfect spot for it.
 |
Have a seat!
|
