Marty's Action Blog!: January 2023

Gift Swap of Horror

2023

Return of the Horror

There Is No Escape

Lauren, hungry for vengeance after her hosing at the last swap, has set the tone well with her wrapping paper.

If this were a movie or a book, the tagline might be "How far would you go to escape the horror?"

However, it's not a movie. It's not a book.

It's real life and it's back.


Libby is ready to swap. Right, Libby? Right? Hello? Libby?

25 years ago we conceived of the Gift Swap of Horror. Each year, we gather an intimate group of friends for food, drinks, stimulating conversations, and the promise of 365 days of suffering as a result.

I have written about the swap many times, but here's the basic overview:

You buy an awful piece of art or home decor for less than $5. You bring it to the swap. You go home with a new piece, purchased by someone who is just as depraved and evil as you are. And you must display whatever you got prominently in your home until the next swap.

Usually, that means a year. Covid, however, gave us all an extra two years with our pieces from the last swap. Lauren was anewbie at the last swap and she went home with 8 hairdresser's mannequin heads and a shattered sense of compassion and humanity.

I'm not going to lie, we were all scared of what she would come back with. There have been vendetta gifts before. They have lead to new swap rules like "No furniture", "Nothing explosive", and "No, you can't wrap up a dead cat".

Tension, as always was high. Right Libby?

Swap Shock™. It's real. Help is available.

Not everyone is nervous. Ben, one of the original swappers is excited. How excited are you about this, Ben?

Super excited. Not at all in shock.

The masks, while serving their purposes, do make it a bit challenging to identify people. This year, I took the liberty of getting selfies with everyone so we can start with a

Cast of Characters:

Tori

Ben & Ann

Rayla

Lauren

Julie 2.0 and Greg

Alex and Kerri

Libby - still suffering a bit of Swap Shock , but getting better

Kristen and Dave

Ezra

Julie and Scott

Still Julie and Scott. You can't hide, Scott. This is happening.

Tim

Amy and E

Conspicuously absent were Nichole and Ryan, a brave pair of battle-hardened swappers whose reputation brings shudders of fear through the Swap.

If you are feeling very fearful, Ben is always available for hugs.

How about a hug, buddy?

You could also have a brief chat with E, who is too young to understand that THIS ISN'T ABOUT HAVING FUN!

E disagrees. EVERYTHING is fun.

As always, we started with food and libations. I maintain that this is to lull us into a feeling of friendship and kindness to prevent actual bloodshed later in the evening when the gloves come off and the claws come out.

We are not, in fact, food. We are food-adjacent.

As is Ann.

Libby and Tori and blocking my photo of the food. Move it!

Tim and Alex are jealously guarding the spread, which was amazing this year.

This year, there was at least 3 different kinds of brownies, pizza, bahn mi, feta dip, chips and guacamole, and so many other delicious treats.

But there was still no Nic or Ryan. I opened the door and wafted the delicious scents into the night air, but still, they did not appear.

Were we worried about them?


Libby was nervous.

E was not.

There is never any sort of actual signal that the Swap is about to begin. There is a quiet sort of resignation that you can't possibly postpone it any longer by eating another brownie for fear of rupturing your abdomen.

We slowly made our way into the living room and the solemn process of drawing names began.

It was a bit tenser than usual, because, while she looks pleasant and delightful, and, in fact she is, Lauren had a vendetta to settle and most of us were terrified of getting her gift.

How scared were Nic and Ryan? How far would they go to avoid getting Lauren's revenge gift?

Only a few feet, as it turns out.

Nic and Ryan were so frightened of Lauren that they drove their car off the edge of their driveway and needed to wait for a tow truck to get them out. While were cursed them as sneaky, chicken-hearted fraidy-cats, we were all secretly jealous of the fact that we hadn't considered this simple and effective escape plan.

Nobody was hurt and we will, of course, make sure that they get something extra awful next year. Just like the rest of us.

And with that mystery solved, The Swap began.

Libby is ready. Because she is not swapping.

Amy and Ann share a hug for support.

Ben is still available is anyone else needs a hug.

At the last swap, I screwed up the names somehow so I was extra careful this year. I checked and double checked to make sure I had everyone accounted for.

And somehow, I screwed it up again.

Everyone drew names and when we were about to begin, Ben and Ann realized that they didn't have a name. They graciously offered to just take whichever gift was leftover, because, really, it doesn't matter. Nobody is going home happy tonight.

Except E.

And anyone who never even actually left home...

Lauren, who was sorely beset with misery at the last swap, went first. She drew our name and a small pang of regret shot through me. I thought ours was pretty bad and I like Lauren.

But this is how we play.

It took a few minutes for the full beauty of it to unfold itself to her.

And it will take a year for her to unfold her revenge upon me.

In the meantime, Lauren can gaze upon its splendor.

Next up was Rayla. Rayla has been to a swap for every single year of her life. She knows how this game is played and, despite that, she waited until THE DAY OF THE SWAP to go shopping for a gift. That is the boldest, most reckless disregard for personal safety I have ever experienced. Most of us begin shopping the day after the Swap when we are still full of rage and desperate for revenge. But Rayla? Nope. Cool as a fridge full of cucumbers, they went shopping with only hours to find something awful.

Rayla drew Amy's name.

I leaned over to Amy and asked what she had got.

"You'll see in about 2 seconds, dude. Chill out."

And, lo and behold, she was right. Rayla began unloading the gifts that Amy had brought.

Gifts. Plural. A set of sickeningly sweet Christmas gingerbread figurines.

"Oof," Tim said. "That's going to suck in August."

Which is very true. Seasonal/holiday gifts are really tough to deal with. We'll check in with Rayla next year and see how it went.

Maybe call Rayla and sing Christmas carols whenever you think of it.

Who's next?

"Not us, suckers."

Tim drew Lauren's name.

Thoughts and prayers, buddy.

"I'm freezing, but at least I'm not Tim right now!"

Tim is a 6th grade teacher. Very little fazes him. However, he's only human.

And these kids are not human.

Maybe Tim can use them as some sort of classroom incentive?

Do your homework

Or else...

Lauren cackled with glee as Tim slunk away to a corner to contemplate the horror of these two unholy children.

Next up? Julie 2.0 and Greg. they drew Tim and Katie's gift. Tim was able to rouse himself from the Horror Twins long enough to revel in Julie and Greg's pain.

Julie is a minister and, as such, is somewhat handicapped in her ability to properly express herself in trying situations. Swearing is, of course, the only acceptable way to express yourself.

"Gosh darn it. This is poopy."

It was probably painted by Bob Ross's evil twin.

Julie 2.0 slunk off to rethink what Hell really is as I trudged over to accept whatever punishment I had been given by Julie and Scott.

Julie cackles with delight as I see... Myself?

It's a mirror from the world's tackiest motel ceiling.

I crawl back to my spot, wondering if tear stains will come out of zebra-striped velour and wishing ill upon Julie and Scott.

And, if you've ever doubted that Karma is real...

In a brave move, Julie decides to unwrap it and show everyone before she looks at it.

Watching people's faces was priceless.

It was like a slow motion car accident.

We can confirm it was nothing like this. That gift is WAY worse.

Ooh!

It wasn't until she saw Scott's reaction that she became concerned.

But not as concerned as Scott.

Julie and Scott are good friends whom I love dearly, but they have a long history of getting horrible gifts that they actually like and keep long after they are required to. I was not displeased to see Scott have such a visceral reaction to this piece.

And if you're reading this, Scott:

Here's another peek at it for you, buddy.

As Scott sat in the fetal position and sobbed, we all heard a soft, muffled cackling noise from far away.

Mwaa hahahahahahaaaaa!

Do you need a hug, Scott?

We rolled Scott into a corner and made room for Amy and E to begin the ordeal of opening their giant piece of art. It was, in fact, huge. Amy lives in a beautiful house which is also very small. Every detail is thoughtfully considered and placed.

And then, here comes this gigantic abomination. And she hasn't even opened it yet.

It's...

Huge.

It's a map?

Possibly of some alternate version of Earth?

Just so you have some sense of scale, E is 72 feet tall.

That map will look great as an entire wall in Amy's house. Or possibly as a new roof.

And Amy can use it to find her way home!

Scott loved it.

Just kidding. Scott couldn't even see it through his tears.

E, however...

It's GREAT!

What does Libby think?

She loves all of these. Because they are not going in her house.

Amy? How do you feel about it?

Amy is reconsidering her association with all of us. Even the ones she is actually related to.

And, just when things couldn't get any better, there was one final gift.

I should take a moment to say that there were a few years of Swapping where there was a preponderance of REALLY bad religious art. Really, really bad.

Friendships were actually ruined as a result.

I just point that out for no particular reason right now. It's not a spoiler or anything.

Ben and Ann braced themselves and.. what was that sound?

Beep! Beep! We're going to do this every year, suckers!

Ben reached for the delightfully wrapped package that was to live in their home for the next year.

Can we just hang it like this?

Nice try, buddy. OPEN IT.

Multiple layers of wrapping added to the suspense!

Holy...

Please note Tori's eyes for a hint of what is about to come.

A religious piece of art depicting a bible thing.

It is rumored that this piece was, in fact... let's say, liberated, from a genuine church-type setting. No word on how this may or may not affect Ben and Ann's eternal souls.

I mentioned that Amy's house is small. I should probably mention that Ben and Ann are both wonderful artists and their house is full of such a great, eclectic collection of art that nearly anything can fit in with their decor, which is simply described as "awesomeness".

It's maddening at Swap time, honestly.

The swap finally over, we resumed eating and drinking and drinking and drinking.

Lauren's posture during the official gift photo seems to sum everything up.

As the evening got back into party-mode, we enjoyed ourselves, but were constantly wondering what that ceaseless far-off sound was.

Beep! Beep! The Swap is over? Can we come eat now? It's actually getting pretty cold out here.

On their way out the door, Scott made a desperate attempt to unload his gift on Tori, who had the good sense to dive out the window and make her escape.