That was Kerri's general assessment of the talk I gave yesterday at the Concord Public Library.
"Well, duh," I replied, "I think they gave me the award because I write about farts and boogers."
"And underpants," added my daughter, Victoria.
Naturally, when she told me that I should plan on talking for about 20 minutes, I took it upon myself to elaborate on all that is gross. I assumed that this was the entire point of the afternoon.
"I'm pretty sure the library trustees didn't need to hear about puking and eating boogers," Kerri said. "At least, not a dozen times."
"It wasn't a dozen," my son, Alex said, "No more than 10."
But the entire afternoon wasn't devoted exclusively to farts, vomit, and poop.
There were snacks to go along with it.
But, and this was sheer brilliance on the part of the organizers, before they could have snacks, people had to listen to everyone talk. Including me.
There were a variety of speakers, all effusive and eloquent.
|They spoke intelligently and eloquently.|
|They talked about me in ways that made me sound like a real, actual writer. It made me blush.|
|They made kissy faces at me.|
And, after all those wonderful speakers, I began speaking and really brought the tone of the entire event down.
|I did wear a tie, however, and there wasn't even a dead body in the room.|
Some of my friends in attendance were visibly displeased at this point. There was evidently some slight problem with the invitations that were sent out. This was the official invite.
But, somehow, all the ones I emailed to my friends arrived looking like this:
Obviously an egregious error occurred in transmission and I'll be speaking about this to whoever is in charge of the internet.
I talked and talked and talked while the audience dreamed of cookies, cider, and munchkins, tantalizingly in sight, but just out of their reach.
Karen Landsman presented me with a certificate and a plaque and, as part of the ceremony, asked me to hang the plaque up on the wall.
This was thrilling for the audience.
After I finally managed to hang it, Karen thanked everyone for coming and freed them to eat snacks.
My father-in-Law used the opportunity to fix the plaque that I had just hung. It wasn't up to his exacting standards.
There was music provided by the very talented 14 year old, Madeline.
It was a fun afternoon for me because I got to talk and talk and talk and nobody could interrupt me or tell me to put a sock in it. I got snacks, a certificate, and was surrounded by family and good friends. My pals, Laura and Amy even brought gifts and cards from their students at Sandown Central School. You may recall that this is the same school where a kindergartener asked me if she could have my underpants.